Friday, December 09, 2005

Movie spotlight: Narnia

by Official Rumors Entertainment Analyst Melanie Best

"THE GREATEST STORY EVER SOLD: The Chronicles of Narnia (the movie)"

I JUST got home from the theater, and am performing my civic duty of telling you what I thought of “The Lion, The Witch & The Wardrobe.”

4 english schoolchildren during WWII are forced to flee when their city comes under a German air raid. They soon discover Thomas Dolby’s (She Blinded Me With Science) wardrobe which leads to Narnia, a suburb of Minneapolis. Narnia is under the curse of uber-villan Darth Milf, but an underground resistance movement has never-never land on the brink of revolt! And thus the kids soon find themselves in the middle of a war (again)!

Warning: this movie is full of cultural symbolism. Let’s decode them:
The Lion = Prof. Dumbledore
The Wolf Pack = the KGB (remember Revelations 3:13? “…and the glorious protectors of the state sought out Jesus and the fellowship of the ring until the great land of communism was once again a safe working environment.”)
Peter, heir to the throne of Narnia = Luke Skywalker, heir to the throne of England
Santa Claus = Gandalf the Grey
The Oompaloompa = The Oompaloompa

The stage is now set for the great battle scene between Darth Milf’s Soviet War Machine …vs Jumanji!

So let’s look at the two armies then:

For the bad guys, Darth Milf has chosen her army wisely: Bears, Minotaurs, Cyclopses, Wolves, etc. She herself has the military acumen of Attilla the Hun, the combat skills of Conan, and the management style of Stalin.

The good guys have chosen some beavers, giraffes, Santa Claus and other muppets.

Advantage: BAD GUYS!!!

But don’t lay odds, just yet. The good guys also have a lion. However, he turns out to be merely a figurehead and remains largely insignificant.
And yet how does the evil army end up losing? I don’t know, that part was gay.

Anyhoo, after a bunch of biblical references and miracles, the muppets win and Narnia is happily transformed back into the middle-earth country club. Jason recovered the lion’s golden fleece, the talking goat man is revived from stone, and Christmas once again comes to Fargo.

All in all, a great movie (only great for Christians) and lots of fun for the whole family.

But a talking goat-person? That’s just fucking weird.

If you liked this movie, you may also enjoy:
The Lord of the Rings
Star Wars
Black Hawk Down
Stephen Hawking’s “A Brief History of Time”
Gary Gygax
any Renaissance festival
the San Diego Zoo


strength9tyrant said...

What a good analysis. I like The Lord of the Rings, Warhammer, and Catholicism.

H said...

yes heaven forbid the good guys win

Deceiver said...

dink, do you know how backwards that statement is?! good to hear from you :D

H said...

I never thought of it that way.
Well okay then,
Yea good guys! You go good guys! Not everyone likes doom & gloom like you, knuckle head.